Keri – KDS not KDO

Dear Keri (insert birth name here) KDS not KDO,

This is the last letter I will post on this site. It was intended as a private journal. My cowardice was an enormous error and I should have signed my own name instead of <3 K and taken responsibility for what I publicly posted instead of allowing others the credit. In hindsight, I should have wrote in a journal with a lock and key to keep my ex-husband and children out of my thoughts. I should have never put my facebook status as public. It has reverted back to private now and my pinterest boards are locked now, too. Incrementally, I am trying to share bits and pieces of my soul through my writing. That’s the part of myself I identify as an artist, a part that creates and spins words with a flourish. I need to find somewhere to write because I need an outlet for my emotions.

In lieu of past mistakes, I am on several dating websites in
hopes of finding a male lifetime mate. I will be posting on there for responses and photos attached. I will be purchasing a webcam. The video chats will help with identification and verification, add a layer of security to the nervous fragility that is online dating.

I have bonded with a few females, but not in a sexual nature. They felt like soulmates, but I need a male soulmate to date and someday marry. I feel like I was made to love and to be loved and its another piece of myself that is held back because I have not been allowed to love to someone the way that I need to love a man, whole-heartedly and bodily. I need to be loved the
same way in return. We don’t all love the same and not everyone experiences love in the same manner. Yes, I bond emotionally AND physically.

I am slowly freeing myself of the ties that bind and am making myself a priority. That means I am dieting and am reducing the carbs and
overabundance of chocolate. I am exercising at the gym by lifting weights and shaping my body the way that I want it to be shaped. Being slim
and fit is a realistic goal. It is another challenge and another uphill battle.

Signed,
<3 Keri KDS

The Fallen

I want so much for you to be happy. And thats just not what i see. No truly happy person lives like this.
I need you out in the world spreading your magic for good, not evil.
I need you healed and healthy.
I need to see a mom and a sister maxxing out their potential.
I need some truth and self awareness. Because thats all that is missing in you. You have every other gift.
USE THEM DAMMIT. You can choose something different!
If you really want to.
One correct decision, then another, then three and four, etc. Before long you are holding your chin a little higher in the mirror. Sky is the limit for you.
This game of pain has gone on long enough. I have everything I have ever wanted in life except to know you are okay.
Make it happen. Please. Soon.

Innocent by Intent

I would love to be able to tell about R. A Jewish man, philosophy major, even by my standards an true guitar genius, and strung all the way out on meth. He was a beautiful train wreck more akin to the Beat Poets than the zombies trying to steal your car battery. And just like everyone else and on cue, I’ll always wonder where he went.

On his way out, he looked at me and just said, “Man, me and you, we’re innocent by intent. Sometimes shit just happens.” I believe this. I have never set out just to screw someone over but we know all too well that it has happened. Of course I am the one that gets the short end the majority of the time.

In all situations, I try to be the friend that I want to have. That’s why I’d listen to Sally. I know how it feels to be treated as an imbecile by strangers, confusion and loneliness. To have found love and wanted to tell someone. We talked about him and I talked about you. As R put it, you were (are) what I think about when I am thinking about nothing. You accuse me of sleeping with her, knowing I am incapable.

It’s been 4 years and I haven’t looked at another woman. You won’t leave my thoughts. I am still married to you for christ sake. I listened to LLoyd because I know what heartbreak feels like to go through it alone. You’ve not once been by yourself, nevermind alone.

I am alone. Mom’s gone, I am divorced on paper, and absolutely nowhere to go. I will never call home again. The life I want, the happiness I want, no self-help book, no amount of education, no amount of praying, no how many falling stars I wish on like I was 7 and magic was still real, will make it happen.

Ever.

You have never been faithful to anyone. You have knowingly put people out in the snow to die. You have stolen from the homeless. You have hung up on the suicidal. You stole my dog from me. You made me walk 3 miles in the snow with a herniated disk after work, passed out with my best friend.

Yet here I am, riding out the clock in a world gone full tilt writing this, on this site and you sleep just fine. You said “I hope your time gets better.” You know it won’t and can’t and I’ll be doing this again in 3 months.

Wherever you are R, we are innocent by intent, you fabulous fucking disaster.

Sending You Away is Killing Me

I dream about you, not that you’d ever know.
And not just at night, but all throughout the day.
I think about us and how we helped each other grow
I mull over everything I was too scared to say.
I always loved you, not that you’d ever care.
Not as a lover, but as the sun is to the earth
You were my saviour who filled my lungs with air,
And led me to the river when I was dying of thirst.
I miss your laughter as it wrapped around my heart
And pulled me away from my self-created hell
I miss your passion – that illuminating spark
Which showed the path to travel from the shadows where I dwelled.
I miss you wholly, in every imaginable way
But in my folly, I, the Earth, banished the Sun
And enclosed myself in darkness to eternally decay,
Awaiting a dawn that I know will never come.

E

Damsel in depress

Today my family held a celebration of life for my uncle and great grandma in their passing. The ceremony was beautiful, a lot of family and friends attended. I stayed up late the night before trying to troubleshoot a projector issue for the presentation.

I genuinely enjoyed seeing my family members that are scattered all over the country, Iris enjoyed playing with her cousins and I reminisce how formative my interactions with my own were.

In the afterwards, we’re invited swimming my moms childhood friends daughters, the twins. I’d always known their mother had adopted them, but we referred to them all as family.

After we returned from swimming. Theres a few of my cousins and a stranger who I later learn is both my moms neighbor and the birth father of the twins. Hes already drunk when we arrive. Initially its jovial, I love you guys stuff, but quickly gets fuckin weird.

First off, he keeps aggressively looping into hate speech about black rioters and his tax money going to welfare. Hes aggressively calling me and my husband out of towner Democrats, when I was in fact born here and never brought up any political affiliations because it’s the day to grieve my gram gram and uncle. He’s also rudely saying my other cousins have man guns in when they come in, all the women present except myself take their hair down eventually during the prodding.
Things get darker when I feel like the remarks hes making to the twins are suggestive. I think my husband must think the same thing because he pulls me aside for a herbal calm down and shot because he cant deal with this guy without drinking, he drinks himself sick, hes apologizing but he makes a few clawbacks at this guy that are of appropriate note.

The twins are sent to walk the guy back to his home, which I’m a little why at but they return a short while later saying he passed out in the hall. His wife who had joined us at this point, and the twins adopted mother are all trying to give some dialogue on how hes normally not like this, and hes not a racist at all and would help anyone.

I’m sad, but the twins are sweet, their camping out with my daughter in the back yard and eating smores.

Hello, old friend

A lot has happened in the what, almost 5 years since I’ve seen you. I could fill you in on the details, but the truth is, if you actually cared, you’d already know. I’ve never really withheld anything from you, you just were never interested in any conversation where you weren’t 100% in control.

I’m not doing well. No point in sugar coating it. I feel a little like George Bailey, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to take care of the people he loves, always underappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, this sick world rotting away all the youthful idealism and endless ambition he had as a young man. I know there’s no guardian angel for me, nor any salvation from my “friends” and family. That’s just the movies.

I needed you years ago. As a friend, as a confidante, as a lover. My life could’ve been so different, with just a little bit of stability, a little bit more credibility as a man, a little more confidence. But you chose to break me down and throw me out with the garbage.