Whatever is or wasn’t, ciao!

I loved you, in ways I still reminisce about. I fell in love with the idea of you, but some parts felt so real that I can’t separate fact from fiction. That’s what I’m most jealous of.. you know what was real and what was fake. I wish I had met you at another time or in another way or I could have trusted you at least. But it’s all some pathetic poem. I thirst for it on days when reality is tough but I’ll always take what is over whatever fake daydream you were selling. You were just a con man and I’ll never forgive you for that. I was selfish too but I never lied. I knew what I was getting into but not at the same time. I wish I had listened to myself at then onset. To whatever is and wasn’t, ciao.

Our Secret Garden

I revisit our garden so often.
I think I am the only one watering the plants
Or feeding the birds.
I keep adding to our base
Adding a swing, and bench to watch ducks
Being so boldly themselves.
I sit still, watery eyes murmuring hopeful
Verses out of a prayer book
Not even meant for God’s eyes.
I almost took the sign down the other day,
The one etched with our initials.
I couldn’t bare to think I am the only one watering the plants or feeding the birds.
I hope you revisit our garden.
You’d be surprised how much the roses bloomed this year.

Frustration

MAY312010

It frustrates me that I care
If frustrates me that I have this desire
It frustrates me that I hurt not knowing how you are
It frustrates me that I became attached to you
It frustrates me that I trust you
It frustrates me that I am so close to finding the truth on my own
It frustrates me that I can’t let go without knowing
It frustrates me that I love you

stupidity.

JUN12010

I said I didn’t want you.
I said commitment wasn’t what I was after.
I tried to stay distant.
She said you wouldn’t last.
She said we should be casual.
You said her opinion didnt matter.
You said you were scared to let me in.
You let me in.
I stayed cold.
I started to trust you.
Months went by.
I met your family.
I met your friends.
You got distant.
You left.
I was fine.
You came back.
You told me you loved me.
I caved and fell for you.
I said I loved you.
You left.
You came back.
You stopped responding to my messages.
We were over.

Through thick and thin I had your back. You never returned that favour. You broke down all my walls just to prove you could. You have a list of reasons why you’re too damaged to be with me. Its bullshit. You begged me to be yours and i swore I never would. You win. Every single night I have the same dream that you want me back. When I close my eyes the same scenario plays out in different settings… you still love me. I have several very successful men in my life now. You can’t pay your rent, but you’re the only one I see every night when I close my eyes. I dont know why. You made me feel unwanted almost everyday we were together. Every month that went by was torture, You came and went, you were mine and you were a ghost.

In the end all I know is that nothing has felt as real in my entire life as those few intimate moments we shared. Our first date pitcher. Driving out to your dads house. Cuddling on the foldout couch. You bussing all the way to my parents house to see me. Eating drunk sandwiches at the lookout. Sitting on the beach bitching about friends. Watching movies at your new house. Meeting strangers on the beach. The anticipation of our few and far between hangouts. Even that last night when you confessed your “excuse”. We held hands so tightly as we took the bus to my new apartment. We both knew it was for real that time, i could feel it in how close we held each other all night. I remember kissing you goodbye the next morning so vividly. I miss you. I have no idea why this feels so hard. Breakups happen. This one is tearing at my insides. Separately we both told people we had no future from the get go. I knew we were headed in different directions. You told me that when you found me this city felt like home, well you felt like home for me, too. I’ve never felt that before. I know you’ve moved on, I am, too. I hope that you’re happy, really. I just hope that by getting this all out I can sleep tonight without seeing your face and imagining a future that can never exist and that, honestly, I don’t want. You were my prince charming but fairytales don’t exist. You told me not to be bitter like her… I just dont know if I can keep my warmth when my beds so cold without you. Ive said some things I regret. I know you’re a good person. I wish that you would open up and let people in, so many people love you. Even though it wont be me i hope that some girl out there can thaw your ice and pull the real you out from your shell. Stop being so distant from your family, they love you and they’re trying really hard to help you. I love you. I will always love you. Take care of yourself and maybe someday you’ll think of me and realize how much of myself I gave to you. You don’t owe me anything. I just wish that I could have our friendship back.

PS I hear that you’re really happy and I’m sure you hear the same about me. I would love to say that true but i’m just a good liar. I like to pretend you’re miserable without me.

Not sure what to do anymore…

JUN12010

K,

It has been a good 7 years, and even though its’ been off and on we’ve done good together. But now I don’t know what to do anymore. We broke up 5 months ago and I started getting on with my life because you were gone, I like being able to what I want and being able to just worry about myself and not have to worry if I’m messing someone else up in the process. I want to focus on my career and the fact that I’m about to move into a house now! I want to grow up without having regrets on things I should of done but couldn’t because I always made it a we instead of a me. I am only 24 years old I have a long life ahead of me, I wish you would understand and I also wish you would stop making me feel guilty for the decisions I have made so far. This is my life and I love it! I have an amazing family and amazing friends! I don’t want to lose you all the way but I know you said that if you can’t just be my friend, which really sucks but I do not know what else to do. I’m not taking you out of my life completely I just need some time to myself. I’m sorry for doing this to you and I’ve told you that, sorry. But please don’t be mad, you’ve done worse to me, like Junior year of college when we broke up and you told me you didn’t love me anymore, right then and there I should of just let us go but I couldn’t, well now I’m giving us both a shot at something new. Let’s take it and see where it leads us! I love you and always will, you were my first love…and maybe one day you will be my last love!

Love love love,
S.

JUN 1 2010 Bitch Bootcamp: Week SEVEN

JUN12010

Listen, women.

We are BITCHES. What does that mean to me? I am:

Beautiful. Ballsy. Badass.
Intelligent. Intense. Interesting.
Talented. Tenacious. Thoughtful.
Competent. Courageous. Competitive.
Hell-on-wheels. Happy. Hopeful.
Enlightened. Entertaining. Emotional.
Strong. Smiley. Sensual.

What does it mean to you? This alone doesn’t define you, doesn’t put you in a box… but this does give insight into all that is YOU. Your assignment this week is to comment back with your own definition of you as one of the BITCHES. Leave your name, or don’t – either is just fine. Will you carve out a little time for you to think about it and express yourself?

The BITCH

PS. What a great week to remember to thank the servicemen and WOMEN who are ready to defend your freedom day in and day out – remember, they KICK ASS so we don’t have to! This isn’t politics, it’s people!

An infidel of infidelity


JUN
22010

This letter is meant for you.  You’ll probably never read this or know my true feelings but the universe needs to hear me and possibly drift a little bit of truth your way.

You threw away your life because your dick was itchy.  You threw away your past because it was easier to lie to the most dedicated, loyal, honest and kind person I have had the honor of knowing than simply utter the sentence, “I am considering having an affair.”

You took her choice away and made it for her.  With a sordid back room fuck you stripped away your promise of fidelity.  With each answer you gave to her instinctual questions you ripped off the years of trust.  She is not broken.  She is hurt.  She is also honorable and can look within knowing she was true, even when it was hard, even when she was tempted to go against her vows.

You didn’t even have the decency of telling her the truth.  She had to pull it out of you.

Now you get everything you think you want.  Now you get to follow through on all those winks and nudges and innuendos that you have brazenly shown while your wife was seated next to you.  Now you can dazzle that blonde and tickle that redhead and fondle that brunette.  Now you can feel the pulse race as the much younger woman catches your eye.  Now you can woo her and impress her with your worldly ways.  Now you can smell new smells and taste new lips.  Now you can have the world like your women, in the palm of your hand.

You are in for so many new experiences.

Now you can feel your age as the much younger women laugh at your advances.  Now you can break other people’s hearts and have your own heart broken.  Now you can worry about condoms and pregnancies and chancres and herpes and crabs. Now you can dine in the discomfort of a broken family. Now you can have those long, crying talks with your children and inform them why it just didn’t work out.  Now you can worry that some day they might actually find out. Now you can write off half of your life as your wife’s family and friends disappear. Now you can divide your past and divvy up your stuff.

I hope your wiener is happy.  It seems to have gotten everything it’s always wanted.

Fuck, couldn’t you have just jumped out of a couple of planes, bought a sportscar and gone on an African safari?

It would have been cheaper in the long run.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for fucking it up for the other husbands who are now being eyed by their wives after their “ideal marriage” has hit the skids.  Thanks a LOT for that.